Facing challenging decision that have an impact on others has a way with pushing and pressuring me to really consider the role the Spirit plays in that process. I’m not always comfortable with being fully responsible for a decision, and so it is easy for me to want the Spirit to be in charge of big decisions. I just want to turn that responsibility over to the Spirit and be a obedient teachable good pious individual that is willing to turn my will over to the Lord. But I think I’m hiding behind my fears of making a mistake or getting it wrong. I think it is good to be teachable. I think it is good to do God’s will, which, to me mean, to be willing to sacrifice your ego for a higher purpose. But I don’t think God wants me to use the Spirit as some sort of spiritual crutch and to avoid the uncomfortable discomfort of exercising my spiritual muscles that are required for making decisions. I think God very much wants me to break a sweat and learn how to reason and develop my ability to think and to make good judgment.
Finding myself in a position where I needed to make an important decision has caused me to think about the role the Spirit plays in making decisions. It seems like it is good for me to work this out and to think about it and to make the decision not find the right decision but to make the right decision. I guess I’ve always seen the Spirit as the one to tell me what to do. I’ve seen it as my role to figure out what the Spirit is going to tell me to do. Like there is some big mystery and I just need to get in tune enough to have that mystery revealed to me. But now I’m wondering if really the role of the Spirit in this situation is to increase my ability to reason and to think and take in different views and perspectives on the matter, and then it is my role to make the decision.
That is much scarier process. It would be so much easier to have the Spirit tell me what to do, then I could move forward with confidence and if someone disagreed I could just say, God told me to do this. But it is so much more uncomfortable to take full responsibility for the decision I made knowing that I could have messed up and knowing that I am flawed and imperfect and therefore am very likely to make flawed and imperfect choices.
I think I’ve been really frustrated with the Spirit in the past because I’ve felt like the Spirit has abandoned me and left me all alone. But maybe I’ve been seeing my relationship with the Spirit in the wrong way and thinking that it would play a role in my life that it wasn’t entirely meant to play. It would be like getting mad at my math teacher when I thought that she should have been giving me the answers when all along her role was to teach me how to solve the problem, not what the answer to the problem was. I’ve been ignorantly mad at my math teacher all these years.